Deli Meats Takes New York

greetings from pahk slope

Sup, my dude!

How’s it going? What are the haps? I am writing to you from Brooklyn, NY (ever heard of it?) I live here now and so far it has been cool but lonely. Wonder if anyone has ever felt lonely in New York? Probably not, probably a pretty unique feeling I’m experiencing.

Seen a lot of guys wearing beanies that don’t cover their ears (asshole style pictured below). Everyone wearing these need to cut the crap. What is the point of that trend? The whole point of a hat is ear coverage. Give me ear muffs before this stupid little fuckboy hipster hat. Is this trend a middle finger to the ear muff? Ear muffs need a better name, a rebrand (right now could be read as ear vaginas), but the concept is strong.

Also saw guys in Williamsburg wearing French berets and thin little scarves, these guys reeked of grad students who want to bring back Enlightenment-era salons. I get it, dudes, you’re on your way to mansplain poetry to some poor freshman girl who needs a literature requirement! Filled me with rage. Felt the urge to stick my foot out and trip them. Craziest hat you’ll see in Chicago is the old timey newsies cap and those were just drunk Irish guys clinging to something, which at least I understand!

There are things about NYC that are amazing, obviously, why else would I have uprooted my comfy little life? I love the abundance of little trinket shops, buying overpriced little nonsense items is my drug! And the pizza is better. The tap water is somethin’ to write home about. So obviously I’m blessed and I’m thankful. I just lived in the Midwest long enough for Midwesterness to seep into me, so it’s an adjustment. Sure, the Midwest has vast stretches of nothingness separated only by gas station oasis’ and Super Targets but the people are doughy, kind, and unpretentious.

Love my apartment and my neighborhood, aside from my looky-loo upstairs neighbor Paula who asked me if I have a husband and watched me attempt to get a 60 pound kitchen island up the stairs. Pretty sure she rearranged the trash I put in the trash area too. I will avoid her for the rest of my life. Paula is my first New York nemesis and it feels good.

My live-in-boyfriend has been gone for 4 days, and I’m fallin apart at the seams. Codependency is actually dope and you can’t tell me otherwise. When left to my own devices I am not the best version of myself. Watched every episode of that craft-competition show with Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman and cried THRICE. I think I might be unwell.

Anywhoozle I’m gonna try to write this newsletter more consistently. Now that I live in New York I want to be the next Carrie Bradshaw. Like, if Carrie was thicc and had a serious boyfriend and liked to wear clothes in public that are soft enough to double as pajamas. And if instead of smoking a cigarette while waxing poetic she snacked on carrots and hummus.

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